clergy

38. Gotta Shovel? Bag Pipes and the Motorcycle Clergymen

~ toddgoddard ~ Leave a comment

The experience of a snow day through the eyes of a child is awesome. It means a reprieve from school; sleeping in; Flexible Flyer sleds and Norwegian toboggans leaned against the garage; snow angels and evidence of less-than-successful snowman rolling efforts in the front yard; wet coats, hats, and mittens strewn about a home’s entryway; hot cocoa and rosy red cheeks. The State Education Department only allotted a specified number of flexible days that each district could use for snow. Any school district that went over, school days were tacked on at the end of school in June. Nobody wanted that!

The weather forecasters the prior week had been calling for a huge storm this weekend. Well, the cold and snow came to pass. Sixteen inches in my youth would have been a mere flesh wound. Today, it is a snowpocalypses. Everyone and everything shuts down, closes down, doesn’t go in to work. Just another day in Western and Central New York. When I shake my head with disdain, I can’t help but think to myself, “Yes, I have become my father.”

For years we lived within a mile of Lake Ontario. When the forecaster spoke about lake effect snow, we took notice. Fifteen miles away would get a flurry; we’d get two feet. One winter, our driveway had to be plowed out seventeen times. At twenty-five bucks a pop, back in the day, ouch! Snow was expensive. The town highway department would plow the snow back so far, then push the top even further back with an elevated wing, resulting in snowbanks with shelves of layered terraces. Impressive.

Palmyra was a good fifteen miles south of Lake Ontario, but we still received our share of winter punishment from both Lake Ontario and Lake Erie. John Blazey and his wife Alice, were members of the parish. John grew up working long hours to scrape together a living for his wife and family. He welded for the New York Central, the Town and Village. He repaired farm machinery, and sold lawn tractors and implements. In the winter, John would put a plow on his truck and set about plowing out the church and his neighbors. John used to have a wood stove in his store, where friends and neighbors would gather round to shoot the bull and catch up on the community news. For lunch, Alice would set a plate for family and employees of the store. All were welcome around their table.

As a member of the local fire department, we did our best to keep the community safe. There were about forty, or so, active members who kept up our training. I served as a driver (passed the NY State Emergency Vehicle and Pump Operator courses), as the department chaplain, and as a medic on the ambulance. I was getting too old to be going into burning buildings, so I took a pass on keeping up my certification and training for interior firefighting. I never liked heights, so I never qualified on the aerial truck other than as a driver and pump operator. I’ll carry a ladder, put up a ladder, even hold a ladder while someone climbs up or down. But don’t ask me to go up. Heights have never been my friend.

Our volunteer department were a bunch of loveable rugrats. We had all ages; young bucks right out of high school, old dogs with sixty or seventy years of service. We had four officers of each rank: chief, captain, and lieutenant. I was happy not taking a leadership position; the church was enough for me. Training and calls were a great relief, a way to stay in shape, a good social outlet, a wonderful way to keep my hand on the pulse of the community. We had professionals and factory workers, common laborers and union bosses, retired and those still working a regular job, night shift folks and out of towners. Some came for the quarter beers in the soda machine in the truck bay, others for the wild and crazy antics of the younger breed.

Being a volunteer, but highly trained medic on the fire department ambulance, we were always down at the firehouse. We averaged more than a call a day, so there was always something to do: wash a rig, restock inventory, training, delivering oxygen, updating paperwork, getting the oil changed, swapping out batteries, checking expiration dates. 24/7/365 we were on call, prepared for any emergency, be it a jetliner falling from the sky to a call for a back ache from a fall, three weeks earlier.

The county 911 dispatchers were wonderful to us. We got to know them by their voice and tone, their ability to sort sense out of chaos, and their willingness to go the extra mile for a neighbor in need. Every year they were invited to our annual banquet for a free steak dinner and award recognition. We’d get called out in the darkest of nights, in the foulest of weather, on a mutual aid call to a neighboring department that couldn’t raise a crew. Sometimes we’d drive for miles in uncharted territory, guided in by our dispatchers to the proper location.

In later years, our mongrel of a dog got loose one night after a High School Band Concert. I drove around the neighborhood, calling for that miserable dog, listening for any hint of a response. Then, there he was. Lying in the middle of the road, flat as a pancake. I fetched a shovel from the garage and carried his lifeless body back home. The family was sad at his death, but, truth be told, we had only had “Doc” for a year and he just had not fit in.

“911. State your emergency,” the operator spoke back on the phone, his voice sounding suspiciously like the County Fire Coordinator. Could he be taking a shift in the dispatch center? “I called the number for Animal Control. How did I get you?” I asked. “After hours, the call gets routed to the 911 center.” “How can I help you?”

All my fire department and ambulance experience placed a face on the familiar voice. “Rick, is that you?” “Yes, Todd,” he replied, undoubtedly he had all my contact information on the screen in front of him. I told him the tale of woe and how the appropriately licensed family dog had gotten loose and run over in the road. “What should I do,” I asked with the attitude of a good, law abiding citizen wanting to do the right thing and avoid any fines or penalties.

“Well,” Rick replied, both of us knowing full well the call was being recorded, “Do you have a shovel?” “Well, yes.” “How about you go bury him?”

—

The ophthalmologist is still prohibiting me from swimming. There the lap pool sits, silently waiting my return. Hard to believe, but I miss the routine; the locker room, familiar faces of people who share a common journey.

So, it is today 20 laps around the walking track. A mile and a half by my calculations, lost in thought, listening through earbuds to a podcast on politics. As the laps tick by, it is hard for me to think of all the acrimony that comes from the public square.

Families divided by one party or another, one policy or something else, threats and intimidations, quietly pushing mounds of mashed potatoes at family meals because the tension about the table is so thick it could be cut with a knife.

We are not meant to be this way.

When we know each other by name, it becomes much more difficult to demonize each other. When we are curious about each other’s lived experience, meaning and motive become more clear, love and grace become easier to extend, and receive.

My voice is so small, so little, so insignificant. Yet, my voice I raise and join the prophet Micah, “What does the Lord require? To do justice. Love kindness. Walk humbly with your God.”

—

Steve replaced Clint as the Presbyterian pastor across the street. Clint would be greatly missed from our breakfast group of community clergy. He and his young adult son (with autism) hand crafted fishing lures and sold them to bait shops in pre-internet days. They found a mutual passion and a means to provide gainful employment for a beloved son. Winners all around. 

Clint moved up to middle management in Presbyterian circles. Steve was his replacement. After a long search committee process, he and his family bought a house in town and moved in. We all came to love Steve and his quiet, reflective approach to circumstances. His congregation was perhaps the most affluent of all the churches. It certainly was larger. Steve was full of surprises.

One summer day, I was enjoying my front porch. A good book and a fine cigar always put me in a contemplative mood. A warm day with cicadas buzzing and a cold glass of diet Coke made it a perfect afternoon. 

The windows of the Presbyterian church across the street were open. I assumed they were open to ensure a flow of fresh air. Steve’s car was parked in the pastor’s designated parking spot in the lot. I knew he was in his office. Emanating from the sanctuary through the open windows came a loud, offensive wail, similar to a pig in heat, though I’ve never heard a pig in heat. The wail certainly impacted the Main Street intersection, and drivers who passed the offensive blast. It varied in frequency and pitch; always grating and painful. 

Over bacon and scrambled eggs the following week I asked our table of ecumenical representatives if anyone knew about the terrible noises coming from the Presbyterian church. No one had a clue. Steve arrived late, hung up his cowboy hat, and joined us at the table. “What’s up with the noise?” I asked. 

A smile and twinkle in his eye worked his timed response just perfectly. “I’ve started taking lessons on the bag pipes, and the sanctuary is the best place to practice,” he informed us. “Great,” I responded with a forced smile. “Hope that works out for you.” My church and parsonage were across the street, directly in the line of fire. All the while, I’m wondering how much I can endure of a student’s bag pipes. 

Besides fitting in well with his Scottish heritage, Steve informed the table of us clergy colleagues that, once he became proficient in “Amazing Grace”, he could sell his services for weddings and funerals at $250 a pop, as opposed to the fifty bucks we’d be lucky to earn from the undertaker, or the hundred bucks we might get from the parents of newlyweds. Bag pipes, vile as piss poured from a boot, paid better than preaching. 

And it was as simple as that.

—

I greatly admired Steve and his odd Presbyterian and Scottish customs. He was slightly older than me, and so were his children. In those days, Chrysler began to manufacturer a new type of vehicle, marketed for families with children. They called it a minivan. Those front wheeled drive beaters served a generation of American families, all the while inhibiting paternal testosterone. Nearly every family had one.

Looking out my office window, I noticed a motorcycle was parked in the pastor’s spot in the Presbyterian parking lot, replacing Steve’s familiar family hauler. I needed a break from my work, so I crossed the street and stopped into his office. “Who parked their motorcycle in your spot?” I inquired with a suspicious eyebrow. 

“That would be mine,” he looked up and grinned. “Get out of town,” I enthusiastically responded. “You got a motorcycle? You got a license?” I was standing in the midst of middle aged manhood, lone defiance to stifling cultural norms, the whole world expecting their pastors to behave in public and wear Hush Puppies. 

Our weekly clergy breakfast table began to be regaled with Steve telling us about his new friendship with his motorcycle mechanic, where he had most recently ridden, what new accessories for his bike he had just purchase from the mail order catalogue. It became too much for me to bear; I just had to have a motorcycle, too. 

The motorcycle bug also bit my Methodist colleague from the next town over. Don was a second career Ordained pastor and a regular at our weekly clergy breakfast table. Don and I both purchased motorcycles on the used market; entry level bikes that we thought would be easy to control. I believe Don had previously held a motorcycle endorsement on his license, so he just had to rebuild muscle memory. I had never had a motorcycle, so I had to start from the beginning. 

In New York State, anyone can get a permit, but one has to pass a written and road test to earn the coveted motorcycle endorsement on their driver’s license. Learning with a permit required that you rode with a licensed partner. “Would you ride with me?” I asked Steve. Of course he would. Presbyterian grace covered Wesleyan circuit riders. 

(It is said Episcopalians went West by Pulman car; Presbyterians came by stage coach; but Methodist won the West on horseback.)

Steve taught me well. In due time, I passed the written test and scheduled my road test. Steve drove his minivan and I followed on my $400 Honda CB750. The road test began at the DMV office at the county seat in Lyons. I was on time and eager to demonstrate my newly obtained two wheeled skills. The rule was that the evaluator would ride with the motorcycle licensed driver in a car, following the student rider, around a pre-defined course. 

The evaluator stormed around the corner and down the sidewalk. His appointment, prior to mine, had nearly killed him. He flunked her and walked back to the office, mad as a hornet. He forced a smile at me as he reviewed my paper work. He took note of Steve’s minivan, came to a stop, and leered over the top of his glasses. “Your test is canceled,” he announced. 

“But why?” We protested. The mini van’s registration was expired. He wasn’t allowed to evaluate a road test from a non-registered motor vehicle. Steve was smooth in his response. “Can you squeeze us in after lunch if we come back with a registered car?” The state evaluator looked at two middle aged Protestant pastors wearing Hush Puppies standing before him. He rolled his eyes and said, “Yes, I’ll see what I can do.” 

“Come with me,” Steve pulled at my elbow. We walked over to the Presbyterian church across the village park. He introduced me to his colleague, a newly installed pastor seated behind her desk. “Can I borrow your car?” She didn’t know us from Adam, but Presbyterians must know each other just by their scent. 

We returned to the DMV road test station with the keys to a brand new car, that was properly registered and inspected. Thank you, Jesus!

Passing the road test and getting my motorcycle endorsement was a piece of cake. Don, Steve, and I rode often together, many times apart. We did hospital calls on our bikes. We even arranged for an annual motorcycle ride fund raiser for the local Habitat for Humanity organization. Hot summer mornings, we three would pull into the diner together for our weekly clergy breakfast. 

One Fall Saturday, Steve was pulled over by the local constable for exceeding the posted speed limit. He reported the officer scanned his paperwork and asked him why he was going so fast through town. Steve sat on his bike and thought. He told the cop that he was the Presbyterian minister in town (obviously lobbying for sympathy and leniency) and that he was late for a wedding. Or funeral. Or, whatever ministers rush to.  

“Say, I’ve heard about you,” the village police officer replied. “You’re one of three preachers in town who just got their motorcycle licenses, aren’t you?” “Yep,” Steve reported he replied. “My Methodist colleagues, Don and Todd, also ride bikes with me.” Cool beans, the officer thought, and let Steve off the hook with a warning.

Ten minutes later, while the cop dozed behind the wheel at his speed trap, another motorcyclist speeds past. Officer friendly responds with lights and siren, pulling over the offender with haste. The motorcyclist removed his helmet and opened his jacket, exposing a clerical collar. With no time to call in his traffic stop, the cop walked up to the motorcyclist dressed in a collar and asked, “Just who in the hell do you think you are speeding through my town? Are you Don or Todd?”

Don reported his eyes grew wide at the apparent divine clairvoyance by the officer of the law, knowing without checking, the perpetrator of his near felonious offense. Don confessed his sin and disclosed his identity. “But, how did you know it was me?” He asked. 

“Because I just got done pulling over your buddy, Steve.”

And thus began the lore and oft repeated and exaggerated tale of the great clergy motorcycle caper.  

More than friends; closer than blood; God knows how much I loved my clergy colleagues. Our breakfasts were sacred; sacramental I’d suggest. Our love, eternal. Thank you, Lord.

“Could you please pass the Tabasco?”

Post Script: Don died this past year, his struggles with disease ended. The world is at a loss without him. We all miss him. Until we see each other once again, rest in peace, dear friend. Rest in peace.

33. Clergy Scandals, Money, and Sex

~ toddgoddard ~ 1 Comment

Clergy are human, at least I am. Having outlived many of my peers and most of my mentors, I believe my observation of fellow clergy is accurate. Clergy are human, just like everybody else, stained by the same patina of temptation and sin.

How about the newer generation taking firm control of Saint Peter’s keys? How do they stack up? I just don’t know enough of the younger generation of clergy to make an informed opinion, but I suspect they are no different than my generation, or those that came before us.

Scandals? Yep. Hypocrisy? Without a doubt. Flawed? Yes, but not mortally so. Many rub their hands in glee wanting to hear all the salacious details of a fallen man or woman of the cloth. 

In my forty plus years in the parish, and the twenty, or so, years as a preacher’s kid, I’ve seen it and heard it all. I’ve learned how the sausage is made and I know where all the bodies are buried. Never let a good story get in the way of the truth, peers and I would toast around a campfire, when we annually gathered to heal and grieve. One would think that clergy are above good old fashioned gossip, but that isn’t the case. 

Sex and money are the two greatest temptation to clergy, present company included. Secrets, facts or otherwise, are safe with me; recognizing the pastoral counseling hypothesis that secrets are always a sign of disfunction. But, I will afford the reader with a few generalities that may benefit the Church of today, laity and clergy alike. 

Honest, self-awareness is a good thing.

—

1. Never have I heard or been aware of any abuse or exploitation of children by an Ordained clergy person in the United Methodist Church. It may have happened, but that is not my experience, nor on my watch when I had anything to do about it.

The Boy Scouts got a lot of headlines and the denomination settled a whopper of a class action lawsuit, but abuse and victimization, in my opinion and from my experience, did not involve the clergy person appointed to a parish with a scout troop, pack, or den.

Perpetrators were often found to be local scout leaders, not the clergy listed on the charter. Sadly, the settlement paints all clergy in unflattering colors and has contributed to much discouragement and discontent.

I am aware of one lawsuit filed against a parish by an individual who claimed to be victim while a member of the Boy Scouts, but, there was no evidence that they were ever a member of the Boy Scouts, nor did the church ever hold a charter. Opportunist? I suspect so.

Sadly, this spoils the efforts to bring healing and justice for those who have been truly victimized. 

—

2. Thief, or misuse of money. Mom and Dad taught me at a young age the Ten Commandments, including the law against stealing. Don’t take what doesn’t belong to you. This victimizes the person or organization from whom money is stolen. It further is an abrogation of God’s willful distribution of time, talent, and treasure. 

Clergy are not immune from the temptation to take what isn’t given or earned. Some have, and probably never will be caught. Others have been caught with their hands in the cookie jar, and, without exception have been turned over to the authorities for criminal prosecution and escorted out of the union of the Ordained. 

There is no justification for taking what doesn’t belong to you. Full stop. Period.

Low pay or poor compensation? Certainly. But, that isn’t an excuse for theft.  A lack of supervision or peer accountability? Welcome to the reality of the Ordained. We often call those who are young, independent, and resistant to joining with peers as lone rangers. Ordination isn’t a license to steal. A lack of self-esteem? Come on; theft is a massive over compensation for a personal, character defect. 

I mentioned to my psychiatrist recently that I estimate 90% of clergy are afflicted with clinical depression, of various severity, at one point or another in their career. Perhaps I shot high, but not by much. This is my opinion based on observation and experience. He was surprised, but I am not. Most of us tend to not take care of ourselves. My profession suffers from challenges of mental health, physical comorbidities, and, yes, spiritual crisis. Clergy are one hundred percent human, high blood pressure and morbid obesity, oh my. 

God has blessed me with a social circle, composed of professionals and peers, who hold me accountable, who improve my emotional awareness, and support me when I identify a character flaw and set about making corrective efforts. They are my coaches and cheerleaders, peers that would never abandon me, nor would I them. They mourn my loses, abide with me despite my flaws, and cheer my success, recognizing success finds its source in the amazing grace of God. 

My wife and our marriage has been a rock.

To be sure, some colleagues have abandoned me in my time of need. Don’t let the door hit you on the butt on your way out of my life. Leave me? You’re loss, not mine. I’ll try not to miss you.

My personal policy regarding finances has been to have as little to do as possible with the physical contact with money. Don’t leave me in charge of the cash box during the rummage sale or turkey dinner. Receive the offering plates from the ushers and immediately place them on the altar table, holding my empty hands high while praying a prayer of thanksgiving.

Honor the designation of every giver and gift, all-the-while, advocating for undesignated gifts, to give room for parish leadership to maneuver and lead. Advocate for parish funds with transparent stewardship, encouraging conservative principles, and ensuring regular audits. God’s money is God’s. Not mine.

I’ve also attempted to manage my personal finances with the same principles. I’m grateful for the advice early on in my ministry to save all that I can, give all that I can, and live within my means. It helps to be married to a spouse who generously and unselfishly contributed to our family finances from day one. 

—

It was six degrees this morning when I pried myself out of my heated lounger and left my fireplace to go to the pool. Bare feet in Crocks is cold! With two hoodies up one guy in the locker room told me, “Your look says it all.” 

Which, made the water feel colder than usual. Under the lane marker I bobbed, fully immersing myself in the same water that baptized my Lord, the same water that was used in my baptism, the same water that initiated Christian sinners and saints throughout the ages. One with Christ. One with each other. One in Christian unity. 

I pulled at the water, digging in with every stroke, breathing to my left, taking notice of the life guard who strikes a pose similar in my imagination to that of Jesus. On the return length, the low winter sun sparkled into the water, diffused as a prism distributes light across the spectrum, warm on my face when I rotate to take in each breath. How is it possible to feel the warmth of the sun on such a cold, winter day? 

God’s grace is awesomely amazing. 

—

3. Clergy sexual sin. Yep; it is a real thing. It breaks apart marriages, takes advantage of the vulnerable, and traumatizes parishes for generations. “We once had a pastor back in the day,” it was common to hear, “who had an affair with the church organist (or secretary) and ran off to Timbuktu.”

Sometimes, the old boy network would swing into action. For shame.

The Board of Ordained Ministry and the Bishop share in the responsibility for clergy conduct, sexual, and otherwise. As peers cycle on and off the Board, policies and enforcement ebbs and flows. As Bishops come and go, some were better than others for demanding a strict moral code of conduct. Some were swayed by the good-old-boys protective network, reassigning offenders to another location, often to offend again. Others took the time and effort for thorough investigations, careful application of Church law, as defined in our Book of Discipline, and imposed appropriate punishment. Policy consistency is an oxymoron, in my experience. Rarely have I heard or experienced efforts for healing, restoration, or support of a traumatized parish. 

This uneven, unhealthy approach to sex and sin, has been a source of frustration and discouragement to the rank and file, present company included. 

Boundary training, as is deftly labeled, has been all the rage in recent eras. Recognition of the inequality of power and authority has been helpful. Full stop measures, such as, sex between a pastor and a parishioner can never be consensual, have been long overdue. The topic may be obvious to those of us with conservative moral backgrounds, but is often bewildering to liberal others.

Peer trust is rare; one never knows who will become a District Superintendent or Bishop. Peer accountability, from my experience, is best when doled out by my psychiatrist and by peers who serve in other, sister denominations (who, therefore, pose no professional threat). I have come to love and treasure my Presbyterian, Episcopal, Lutheran, UCC, and Roman Catholic fellow clergy.

The waters are dangerous and murky. Divorce is a painful reality for some clergy, while completely outside of the experience of others. LGBTQ and transgender issues challenge even the best of us hush puppy liberals. Pornography is readily available and the bar of temptation is ridiculously low. There is so much I don’t know and I don’t want to embarrass myself by asking questions. Temptation is everywhere. The lowest common denominator default is to just pretend it doesn’t exist and that it can’t happen to me. 

Clergy are human. 

We should be held to the highest moral and ethical standards, and expect nothing less. At the same time, our humanness defines our imperfections, warts and all. 

It may be old school, but I learned early on to treat every person as a beloved sibling, sister or brother. When tempted, the abhorrent stigma of incest helps keep me in my lane. Lord, have mercy, and keep me on the up and up. 

—

I’d like to think that I’m non-judgmental, but that would be dishonest. I do judge others; all-the-while, I seek ways to mitigate risk, stay reasonably well informed, and apply best practices to my own life.

I find it difficult to relate to peers who have failed to live up to the high ideals of the ordained. It is easy for me to feel that those who have failed the Church have personally failed me. See them in a crowded room? Make way to the other side. It’s awkward to bump into a person who has shared the common path of serving as a parish pastor, yet, who has failed to live up to even the basic standards of professional conduct.

“I know what you know, even what you don’t think I know,” my interior voice says to myself. Not only do I frequently know them, but I know their families, too. Generations of clergy run deep. Who is married to who, as well as who owes who a favor, too often, has served as a “get out of jail free” card for offending clergy.  

A moral and ethical dilemma I’ve frequently faced is notification of clergy who follow me. Should I let them know the depth and breadth of trauma that others have inflicted on a parish, its members and friends? What about when a lay offender who demonstrates predatory behavior and simply moves on to another parish. Do I warn that pastor? I have gone to the District Superintendent (a representative of the Bishop’s office) with concerns, only to be rebuffed with “how would you like it if someone made the same accusations against you?”

In my experience, too little effort has been made by bishops and clergy to attend to issues of theft and sexual abuse in the parish. Abuse brakes people. The just response should be to open the flood gate. We should be compelled to do everything in our ability to heal, restore, and repair victims and congregations. Law enforcement should be involved immediately, even if it is remotely suspected that a law has been broken. The just response shouldn’t begin and end with a press statement from the Episcopal Office or with lawyering up.

It is easy for me to complain, since I’ve never served in church administration beyond that of a parish pastor, or as a member of the Board of Ordained Ministry. Yet, the sins of the Church have been a slow grind on me, and not in a good way. “And are we yet alive?” we sing when the ordained annually gather. Are we? Am I?

John Wesley outlined a life of grace, where the faithful is always moving on towards perfection. Today, I’m less than perfect; but committed to getting better. When tempted I make my confession to my psychiatrist, seek to change my ways, make amends such that I harm no one, and set about in a new direction with the goal of being perfected in the likeness of Christ. 

In short; confess, repent, make amends, become better. Do no harm. Keep my own nose clean. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. This is how God’s kingdom on earth approaches the perfection of God’s kingdom in heaven.

32. What Parents and a Parish Teaches

~ toddgoddard ~ Leave a comment

Rural Yates County was the perfect place to begin my parish ministry. The people are salt of the earth, hardworking, generous above and beyond expectations. Faith runs deep. I had much to learn. 

Elderly residents of the local nursing home had much to teach me. I took my turn in the cue of pastors from nearby churches providing worship services on Sunday afternoon. Every six or eight weeks was my turn in the barrel. I quickly learned to bring my choir from Dresden. The overly sedated, room full of residents, dozing in Gerry-chairs were largely unresponsive to my skillfully crafted academic sermon of the day. When the choir began to sing one of the familiar gospel songs, everyone would perk up and began to sing. As soon as the song was complete and I began to speak again, everyone fell back asleep. 

I’ll take my humble pie with a slice of cheese, please.

An invitation came in soon after we moved in to join the Lectionary study group of United Methodist pastors that convened once a week in Geneva. Charlie Hess (who won the fishing boat in the Roman Catholic raffle, and refused to honor the Social Principles about gambling by giving it back) was the host pastor.

Sam Davis, smart as a tack, joined us from Seneca Falls. He never met a sugar donut he couldn’t resist, and ended up wearing powdered sugar all over his face and shirt. Gary Hakes hailed from Phelps, the father of one of my fishing camp nippers, and chair of the local chapter of Planned Parenthood. Progressive; my kind of guy. And Steve Parr, a long suffering elder serving a rural parish on the other side of the county, whose wife was the chaplain at the local private college. Steve was frugal, to the point of buying donuts in quantity from the local wholesaler then freezing them in his freezer. Instead of buying donuts from the local donut shoppe, he’d bring in frozen, sugar coated  pucks in a zip locked bag. Gotta love him.

The first morning I attended, I showed up with a stack of academic Biblical reference books and commentaries. Everyone burst out laughing. Sam Davis, a graduate of University of Chicago, was impressed. The next week, I bought the donuts.

The Lectionary study group taught me the value of peer fellowship, support, and humor. Life in the trenches of a Parish Pastor is rough, filled with huge doses of both laughter and tears. We were five white, privileged pastors dressed in Hush Puppies, raising families, juggling demands, and doing the best we could with what we had. With little supervision, we functioned as an accountable discipleship group. Our friendship lasted all lifelong. They are all gone now; I’m the last one standing. I smile with the warm memories of these giants in my life, gently guiding me through the challenges of Ordained Ministry. 

I learned much from the local undertakers.

Bruce owned one funeral home uptown in Penn Yan; Steve owned the other. The competition was friendly. Bruce served on the leadership team of a nearby United Methodist parish and he liked to gripe to me about the conference, Bishop, and denomination. He was also the source of much parish gossip: “I saw so and so at the pharmacy the other day. She was checking out with cart full of lubricating jell and weight loss supplements.”

Five minutes before one funeral, Bruce showed me a letter of complaint he sent to the bishop, claiming his pastor was engaged in inappropriate behavior. “What are you going to do about it,” he asked, the veins bulging from his temples and neck. “Well, nothing,” I replied, “because I have a funeral service to start.” 

Often the best response is a smile and silence. 

—

I couldn’t go to the pool this morning because a new clothing drying was being delivered. The old one stopped working after three years. Two hundred dollars for a repair man to assess the problem, then more to commence repairs, or, for a few dollars more, get a scratch-n-dent floor model replacement. I hate planned obsolescence and American consumerism. 

Two days ago I hit the pool for the first time in two weeks. We had traveled to the far coast to visit family. Cynthia and I took our time out and back, riding the train to take in all the scenery of our great land. Time with my brother and his family was priceless, much more fulfilling now that we are all retired. 

The water was cold and I doubted if I could swim hard for a full fifteen laps. But, I did. My arms and shoulders pulled at the water, pushing it behind, as my brain was lost in thought attempting to process all the conversations I had with family. 

What was the meaning of my (our) father’s early death? Does death have to have meaning? What about my (our) mother, living more than thirty years after dad died? That is a long time to be alone.

Our mother was a strong woman, I thought as I swam. She grew up in an orphanage, became the cutout for Rosy the Riveter, married dad after he returned from the Pacific, raised four children, followed Jesus and lived her life accordingly. When he died, she had to learn to make due on her own, balance a check book, return to driving, living independently. She did so with grace and humility. Mom died after nearly twenty years of Alzheimer’s in a nursing home at the height of COVID. Mom deserved better than me telling her that I loved her over the telephone while she took her final breaths.

My mother had taught me so much. Love. Faith. Grit. Hard work. And apple pies. Rare was the pie she didn’t give away to someone in need or from Dad’s parish or to a neighbor going through tough times. But every now and then, one of her pies were made just for us. 

—

The day was April 15th, a day made memorial by the Internal Revenue Service. In the dark of the early morning, the Plectron fired off the alarm to our volunteer fire department. Barn fire, at the cross roads of City Hill and Ridge. I jumped out of bed, stepped into my coveralls and shoes, and took off for the fire house, across the street and through two back yards. It was always a foot race to see who could get there first, Bill or me, my trusty church lay leader and friend. 

In the pre-dawn light I could see the mushroom cloud of a burning barn as I ran for the pumper. A barn to most of us is the image of rural life, a character from a Norman Rockwell painting, a calendar picture inviting us back to a simpler more wholesome time.

To a farmer, a barn is the center of a small business, generating income, often in competition with mounting expenses. A barn is a milking parlor, a hay mound, a storage space protected from wet elements. It houses valuable farm machinery, is home to cattle, a neighbor to a silo holding grain or chopped corn, and a place for kids to play.

This barn belonged to one of my church families. 

The string of pumpers, tankers, and the rescue truck snaked out of town, uphill in every direction. The water haulers carried a thousand or more gallons of water because only city people had hydrants. I drove the lead pumper, having won the foot race. Next to me was another volunteer, dressing and strapping in to his bunker gear to protect him from flame and heat.

The radio squawk from the chief, another one of my church leaders, now on scene in his personal vehicle, asking for mutual aid from at least ten neighboring fire departments. Barn fires needed a lot of water quickly. I feared this one was already beyond saving. 

I pulled into the farm yard to find the family and our chief frantically getting livestock and machinery out of the infernal. I had never seen a fire so large and frightening. “Oh Lord,” I prayed to myself, “don’t let me goof up.”

Tank-to-Pump lever; pulled. Pump primed. Hose lines laid and charged. Water flowing. Hard suction connected to the pump and pounded tight with a rubber mallet. Portable pond set up. Tankers from other departments arriving, waiting their turn to replenish the pond as fast as my pump would drain it. Sweat dripping in my eyes, tears for the family welling up in my eyes. 

My chief, Charlie, came over and looked me in the eye. “Todd,” he said somberly, “let someone else relieve you from the pumper. The family needs to see you inside the house.”

And so, the other shoe was about to drop. 

Around the dining room table sat Mom and dad, son and daughter, and a deputy sheriff. Eyes were down, the room was silent, the coffee pot announced a fresh pot was brewed. “Pastor Todd,” Mom said when she saw me, “come in and have a cup of coffee.” Mom was also a leader in my parish, a woman of strong faith, accustomed to hard work on the farm. 

The Sheriff asked the father about the farm and possible causes of the fire. Yes, there was electricity to the barn to run the lights and compressor for the milking machine. But he didn’t suspect there was a problem with the power. The night was clear so a lightning strike was doubtful. Dad truly had not a clue as to what may have started the barn fire. 

I sat waiting for divine inspiration. 

“Yesterday afternoon,” the son began speaking barely above a whisper, “my friend and I were playing in the barn. Just fooling around. We didn’t mean nothing. We got some matches and made a little fire. It didn’t get too big and we thought we put it out.”

The silence that followed was deafening. The guilt that descended was overwhelming. “I did it,” the young boy screamed, “but I didn’t mean to do it.” Tears burst the flood gate and he ran bawling to his room. The rest of us sat stunned in silence. 

“What do you want to do?” the deputy asked gently. All of us were thinking of legal actions, loss, and grief. All of us, except for dad. 

“When I was young,” dad began, “about the age of my son today, I, too, accidently burned down my Daddy’s barn. It was an accident. I knew, but no one else did. It’s been my secret these past forty years and it has always weighed heavy on my heart.” 

I thought of Christ on the cross, dying for our redemption. 

“The one person,” I carefully began, “who needs to hear your confession, is your son crying in his room.” 

The pause was pregnant. “You’re right, Pastor.” Dad pushed away from the table. “I gotta do what’s right.” Dad left us in the kitchen and went in to console and confess his sin to his son. 

That was a morning nearly forty years ago. It was a day in the life of this parish pastor where I learned about redemption, the depth of love Christ has for each of us, and the depth of love a father had for his son. 

31. Lent, a Bat from the Belfry, Tech in the Parish, and the Yates County Fair

~ toddgoddard ~ Leave a comment

Lent is a time of year for personal reexamination of one’s spiritual health, relationship with God, and our personal journey with Christ. It is forty days long that, except for Sundays, grants recognition of Jesus journey in the wilderness, being tempted by the Devil. Every Sunday is a celebration of the resurrection, hence, every Sunday is a mini Easter. As Lent progresses towards Holy Week, we spiritually journey with Jesus from the Judean wilderness to Jerusalem atop Mt. Zion. The journey is uphill all the way, and, as such, is only for those who dare. 

Do you have the right stuff?

The wilderness is a windswept gravel and sand mountainous expanse between Jerusalem (to the West) and Jericho (to the East). Four times in my life I’ve been privileged to lead pilgrims to the Holy Lands and to sit quietly on a dusty ridgeline taking in the environment of the wilderness. It is humbling to consider the temptation to eat where there is no food, to drink where water is rare. As the sun sets, oppressive heat is replaced by bone chilling cold.

If Christ could resist the Devil’s temptation to turn stones to bread, can I not resist the temptations of daily living? If Christ could reject a challenge to his sovereignty, can I also not resist challenges to my call and Ordained Ministry? “What wondrous love is this?” My thoughts return to the sacred hymn in the silence of the wilderness that surrounds me. 

Lent in the parish included both a personal call for introspection and a communal call for learning and shared fellowship. We’d host Wednesday evening dish-to-pass dinners followed by a Bible study or an appropriately themed movie. It was a time to be together, to be as one, as the Eucharist liturgy reads, one with each other and one with our God. 

Back in the day (Now you know that I am old!) I had arranged for the delivery of 16mm films to be delivered weekly from the Conference Resource Library. This was years before projectors and Power Point. The church had a cantankerous movie projector that displayed the 16 millimeter film on a flimsy screen. As the dessert was cleared and coffee cups refilled, all settled in for an inspiring Lenten movie. 

The lights went out and we all settled in for the show. People were happy. I was happy, content with myself that I was providing spiritual guidance for my flock.

Suddenly, a shadow swooped across the screen. Then, back again. “What was that?” I heard some startled to awareness. That was a mischievous bat, nothing more than a flying mouse that probably was housed in the church belfry. Children squealed. Mothers ducked for cover. The men entered the gauntlet determined to put a heroic end to the bat’s misadventure. 

It was a free for all!

The lights flew on. Coats were stripped from hangers and a half dozen men began chasing the offender with the hope of bagging him. After several failed attempts, amidst a crowd of now shrieking children and mothers  telling their husbands to “do something,” the men regrouped. What to do? 

“I’ve got a tennis racket in my truck,” one gentleman offered. The rest of us wondered what he had a tennis racket in his truck for? Playing tennis wasn’t exactly a thing in rural Yates County. “The bat’s radar won’t see it coming.” 

The refined dinner and a movie group of parishioners became a cheering crowd as the lone man chased the bat around the fellowship hall, flailing with a tennis racket. Finally, a swift backhand launched the bat across the room, knocking it silly. A coat was quickly thrown over it. A group of victorious men walked the bat-in-a-coat out the side door and set it free into the night air. 

It took a while for proper Lenten decorum to be reestablished. When all were settled in, the lights went out, the projector was restarted, and the movie returned to it’s inspirational self. 

—

An athlete I am not. Don’t even pretend to be. I swim my fifteen laps every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning, not because I want to, not because I like to, but because my doctor and medical research has demonstrated the importance of regular exercise. 

“If I had it my way,” I thought to myself this morning, “I’d be home in my nice warm bed.” 

This morning I dug at the water, fluttering my kick, raising my heart rate for a half an hour. Three groups of five, my brain tells me, is an easy way to keep pace, an easy way to keep count. Except, I have been known to lose track, lost in meditation or thought.

Reach and pull. Reach and pull. My reach extends my arms as far forward as I am able, stretching sinew and muscle, causing oxygenated blood to surge and flow. My fuselage rolls with each reach, giving opportunity to breath out of the side of my mouth in a rhythm worthy of a drummer. 

Just as quick as it starts, I’m done, leaning against the end of the lane gasping to catch my breath. The lifeguard takes notice. I nod that I am okay. I just need to catch my breath. 

—

There are times throughout my pastoral ministry that I’ve needed to just stop and catch my breath. Periods of hard work and preparation, followed by execution, relief, exhaustion, and nodding to sleep in my easy chair. 

Technology was breaking out all around me. Copy machines became small and affordable. Stencils and ink spewing AB Dick duplicating machines were relegated to the junk closet in every church. Bulletins and newsletters could be typed and copied much easier, much faster. 

I bought my first personal computer; portable it was called. My new K-Pro sported two five and a half inch floppy disk drives and a whopping 16 k of working memory. It weighed in at about thirty pounds. Portable? Just barely.

Programs were on one drive, data was saved on the other. My K-Pro spoke programming languages I was familiar with, harking back to my college days working IBM and DEC mainframes. The only thinks lacking on my new K-Pro were the punch cards and a printer. New daisy wheel printers were expensive, but I bit the bullet and had one delivered to the parsonage. 

Parishioners scratched their heads in wonder. 

Lightyears before email and the internet, it was hard to imagine what a computer and printer could do for a parish pastor. I provided printed spread sheets for finance teams and the Board of Trustees. I began to print a bulletin and monthly newsletter, run it over to the corner store where the one copy machine in the entire village was located, pay five cents a copy, fold and press, and, boom, it was like Jesus turning water into wine.

My volunteer printer and AB Dick bulletin maker, covered in ink when that contraption blew up one morning, spewing ink from head to toe and across the walls and ceiling, thought I was able to walk on water.

Who was I to bust her bubble?

—

The county fair came every July. Each of my two churches ran a food stand on the main thoroughfare, selling hamburgers, hot dogs, fries, macaroni salad, homemade pie, and assorted other things. The question became, which of the two booths were you going to work, Pastor?

I couldn’t prioritize one over the other, neither could my choice reflect any preference or quality of food. The Fidelus Class of young adults, who’s average age was about 65, ran the one booth, while the other was operated as a Y’all Come type of affair. Everyone was expected to volunteer and make donations. If you couldn’t come up with four or more home baked pies, and schedule yourself for 16 hours’ worth of shifts flipping burgers, you’d better send a sizable check. The two concession stands stood on opposite sides, facing one another. My choice would be affirmed by one, at the same time, observed by the other.

What was I to do?

So, I did what any young buck, newly ordained, inexperienced pastor would do; I did both. The best controversary was the one avoided, I naively thought to myself. How soon I would learn different.

The week of the county fair, I rotated on a daily basis between the two booths. No time to prepare for Sunday; I was stuck working twelve or more hours each day hawking food to fair goers. At the end of fair week my first year in the parish, I was beat! Completely and utterly exhausted, and everything about me smelled of grease. The following Sunday should have been a vacation Sunday, but, nope, I was too green to know better and nobody was forthcoming to tell me different.

By God’s grace, each year I learned. Each year, I got better.

I learned to stop and catch my breath.